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Sep 20, 2016

The Onion

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Civilian Casualty Flattered To Have Been Mistaken For Hamas Leader
Aug 4, 2014
RAFAH, GAZA STRIP—Remarking that he felt honored to be considered so important and influential, Gazan civilian casualty Khalil Said Zahlan told reporters from an emergency aid station Monday that he was incredibly flattered to have been mistaken for...

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American Voices: Study: Human Culture Evolved As Testosterone Levels Fell
Aug 5, 2014
According to new research, the development of modern arts and advanced tools arose in human culture about 50,000 years ago, at the same time as levels of testosterone—the hormone linked to macho, aggressive behavior—began decreasing in humans.

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Opinion: If The Founding Fathers Were Alive Today, Theyd Be Too Fascinated By A Garbage Disposal To Do Anything (by Charles Bowman)
Aug 5, 2014
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Seventh-Grader Only Has 2 Weeks Left To Acquire Cool Identity By First Day Of School
Aug 5, 2014
VALPARAISO, IN—Expressing concern that his summer vacation is too quickly passing him by, local incoming seventh-grader Matthew Valentine told reporters Tuesday he now has just two weeks left in which to acquire a cool new identity before school sta...

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Wife Already Knows The One Thing Shell Say That Can Never Be Taken Back
Aug 5, 2014
OCALA, FL—Acknowledging that she has the ability to forever change the dynamic of her marriage with only a few simple words, area wife Sarah Causley told reporters Tuesday that she already knows the single comment she will never be able to take back...

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Your Horoscopes Week Of August 5, 2014
Aug 5, 2014
VIRGO: You will die alone, unmourned, and unloved, but because you do it on live television, you'll still manage to be considered a success.

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American Voices: Open Carry Gun Law Advocates Release Childrens Book
Aug 5, 2014
Pro-gun advocates have released a children’s picture book called My Parents Open Carry about a 13-year-old girl named Brenna Strong, whose parents openly carry guns for self-defense, which the authors say aims to educate people on Second Amen...

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Infographic: Tips For Achieving Peace In The Middle East
Aug 5, 2014
With the Israeli-Palestinian conflict escalating, sectarian violence boiling over in Iraq, and Syria mired in a civil war that’s now more than three years old, the Middle East continues to be plagued by bloodshed and unrest.

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Infographic: Keeping Your Child Safe Online
Aug 5, 2014
Polls indicate that 95 percent of teenagers are online, while a growing number of young children now have access to internet-capable cell phones and devices.

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Homosexuality Only Thing Parents Can Accept About Son
Aug 5, 2014
GRAND FORKS, ND—Expressing their deep disappointment with his behavior and lifestyle, local parents Jeff and Susan Lindegaard told reporters Tuesday that they are simply unable to accept anything about their 24-year-old son Henry aside from his homo...

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