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May 20, 2012

The Onion

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Yankees To Rest Pitching Mound After 8 Innings Of CC Sabathia
NEW YORK— Yankees manager Joe Girardi announced at a press conference Tuesday his plans to give the pitching mound a few days of rest to fully recover from enduring eight grueling innings of hurler CC Sabathia. "A long outing of Sabathia r...

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Bryce Harper Asks Manager Where Bats Come From
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JOPLIN, MOIf Trevor Mahoney had reserved the U-Haul like he said he would, we wouldn't even be having this conversation in the first place, dick.
JOPLIN, MO—If Trevor Mahoney had reserved the U-Haul like he said he would, we wouldn't even be having this conversation in the first place, dick.

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Independent Baking Scene Apparently Worth A Documentary
SEATTLE—A string of independent bakeries in the Seattle area apparently provided enough material to warrant a 73-minute documentary titled Rise: The Resurgence Of The Artisanal Bakery, 27-year-old Netflix browser Cyrus Wall observed Sunday.

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Never-Used Bike Still In Pretty Good Shape
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TV Listings: The Skeet Shooter
NBC 9:00 p.m. EST/8:00 p.m. CST Davy Anthony must protect his happily unaware family from a rogue skeet that could fly out from any direction at any time.

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WEDDINGS: Jessica Tanley and Rodney Holl
Jessica Tanley married Rodney Holl beneath a beautiful evening sky, hoping for a shooting star at the moment of their “I Do’s,” but of course that didn’t happen because Rodney always screws everything up.

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